Wed, Jan. 11th, 2017

flatvurm: (crazy elf)
Tuesdays are my busiest day. That's just something I'm going to have to accept, I think. I had therapy this morning. Sometimes you have a therapy session and you walk away feeling a lot better. This wasn't one of those times. I understand this is a process, and it's not like I go in expecting an immediate fix or anything like that, and this wasn't even a particularly deep dive, I don't think, but I still walked away a little...raw, I guess. Then I compounded things unexpectedly by catching the latest episode of She's a Super Geek. Holy shit, I was not prepared. Emily's away this week, but Phil jumped in and he and Senda played a game of The Sky is Grey and You Are Distressed by Josh T. Jordan. Believe it or not, this game was actually one of the very few games I ever got sent a review copy of. A preview, I think. It was totally unprompted; I think I had recently talked to Josh on Twitter or something. Anyway...it's one of those intimate 2-player jobbies, and this episode of SASG was really intense. I got thrown. I think a lot of it was actually Senda's acting. I was having reactions like a friend was actually in distress. Still, great episode. Anyway...so I was pretty overwhelmed emotionally by the time I had to start the work day. I work a later shift on Tuesdays to make room for therapy, so I end up working pretty late. When I can, I generally just jump straight from the end of work to the Misdirected Mark live stream, so I watched that tonight and hung out with the Lifers. Been doing a little social media today, but really I just have to get to bed. I did a super bad job of sleeping last night, so I shouldn't fuck around tonight.

So. Work. Work is work. It was a rough start today. See above regarding emotional turmoil, but also I was slated for a meeting that I had kinda been expecting to be a hard one, so I was doubly unmotivated to come in. Turned out the meeting wasn't so bad, though, which was nice. Also I basically didn't do anything; my teammate D led the charge on that particular mission, and she was great as always. Getting past that actually lifted a pretty big weight off my shoulders, to be honest. I felt a lot better for the remainder of the afternoon, and I got a lot of shit done that needed doing. So by the time my work day was over, I was in a pretty good mood.

Then afterward, of course, chilling on the MM stream is always a good time, so I'm actually headed to bedtime tonight feeling all right about things. Phil seems pretty solid about going to Dreamation, which is great news, and I think Senda's going to try and make it out there, too. If I don't make it to Dreamation this year, considering the attendance list and also the fact that this is the first year where I don't have an existing scheduling conflict, I really want to make it out there. At least for like just a day or something. Previously, Tabitha and I would go to Wicked Faire every year, which was always scheduled opposite Dreamation. Last year was the final Wicked Faire, though, and the replacement con (Glimmerdark) was scheduled for a different weekend, so bully for me and Dreamation. :) (We may not even go to Glimmerdark, it turns out, but I think we're still going to go away for the weekend.)

I forgot to mention this, but I picked up some cider this past weekend, and I forgot until tonight that I had it, so I'm enjoying a nice glass of cider before I head to bed. I'm not sure why that bore mentioning, really, except that it's delicious and it makes me feel good.

Let me talk about therapy for a bit. We talked a little more about my "all or nothing" attitude, and I realized that when some things are going poorly, it's hard for me to connect emotionally with things that are going well. That's kind of my exercise this week, in a way, to try and poke at that a little bit. I have trouble taking compliments. I mean, that's just a general thing about me. But close cousin to that is that I also don't really respond to encouragement when I'm feeling down. It feels...empty? Even duplicitous. I mean, I have no earthly reason not to trust the people I talk to, and I would believe them in any other context, but it's just for some reason I can't latch on to positive feedback to recalibrate my own evaluations of myself. I remember this was often an issue when doing performance reviews at work, actually, now that I think about it for a bit. I dunno...I'm in a weird, murky area where I can't determine if what I'm feeling is, for lack of a better word, "legitimate" based on environment and situation, or if this is just a kind of depression trough or something. I guess this is a bit of a rehash from what I was talking about yesterday, but the big problem is that not being able to tell those things apart means I don't know what to do about it; the two situations call for two very different reactions. So, as is the motto for empiricists like me, I need more data. I know I'm not going to find it blogging, though, and I have dishes to do and unconsciousness to apply to my brain.

Someday maybe I'll learn how to sign off blog posts. Not today, though.

Actually, you know what just came to me? I like how Will Hindmarch would sign off on the (now sadly concluded) Design Games Podcast. And so, to paraphrase a great man...

What do people say at the end of a blog post? What happens if it just

A good day

Wed, Jan. 11th, 2017 21:43
flatvurm: (fringehead bedhole)
Had a pretty good day at work today. The first half was all meetings -- seems like my whole life is meetings now -- but it felt productive, and I got some decent stuff done with the rest of the time. It makes a big difference; I didn't close out the day feeling quite so pointless, so that's something. On that topic, though, Dorian said something today that made me remember that she's working toward something good for the world, which served to remind me that I am not. Just more food for thought. After work, I did laundry, so that was my at-home productive thing for the day. I think I'm going to skip some other chores and stuff tonight and just go to bed early. I need some real sleep; I think I'm starting to unravel a little.

Exciting entry, I know. ;) It's just going to be this way sometimes if I stick to a daily schedule. I've gotta fold the laundry and put it away. Maybe if I really motivate myself I'll wash the dishes. Habitica is helping me a lot, I think. Ordinarily, I wouldn't think twice about skipping the dishes tonight, but if I take care of 'em I could get a clean sweep on my Dailies! ;)

So, yeah...I'll probably do the dishes. Laundry and dishes. But that's it. Gotta get to bed at a reasonable hour. Peace!

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Rob Abrazado

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