Mon, Feb. 13th, 2017

flatvurm: (worry)
Okay, I've been off the blogging train for a couple weeks now. Definitely not how I saw this year going when I started out, but so it goes. There's been a lot happening, though, and I didn't have the energy to keep up with it all. Lots of big changes, though. Let's go.

The lost time when I wasn't blogging was primarily due to falling into a depression hole. I felt it coming...like I knew it was coming, but ultimately I couldn't do anything about it. I ghosted work for a bit. It felt like the thing to do, but it never helps my cause. There's not really much I can report from that time, really. It was a lot of rolling blank tape and getting enough sleep and that kind of stuff -- that kind of solitary/isolationist self-care that I so often default to that nowadays I'm not even sure counts as care, but it's what I got.

That all came to a head about two weeks ago, at the beginning of the month. I finally made a decision and put in my notice at work. I had pictured having a couple weeks to close up open issues and get documentation together and whatever, but do to an unfortunate miscommunication, it was regarded as my just quitting on the spot. I can understand the mistake; I'd been out sick for a while, and I wasn't super clear in my email. Probably for the best, though; that ending time is always weird. In any case, I finished out the week, and that basically closed that chapter of my life. Well, almost. I still have to get back to the office and drop of my computer and phone, but otherwise...I guess that's that. So that's pretty big.

I'm giving myself at least a couple weeks on break to kind of reset and try to get my shit together. It's been good. Well...it's been mixed, but mostly good. It was a lot more emotional for me to leave than I thought it was going to be. Had to say goodbye to a lot of good people, but I know deep down that this was the right thing to do. Since I have the chance to take a breather, I'm going to try and make some personal improvements. Clean up the house, get on some better diet and exercise habits, try and figure out what's next, and so on. Whatever's next, I want it to mean something. That's really the biggest goal. I don't want to keep feeling like I'm missing my shot. Other than that, I'm trying to keep a pretty open mind, and also trying to get myself in the headspace where I'll be able to take some chances and put in some work. I'm ready for something new, basically, is what it all comes down to. Something new, and something better.

That's really the big news, to be honest. So that gives you an idea of what my life is going to be about in the near future.

A week ago (Monday), I met up with Mom and Sis again for lunch. Niece was there this time. It was pretty nice. We talked about getting together like that every once in a while, maybe a couple times a year or something. That sounds pretty nice. Will probably help me stay more connected to people.

This past weekend, Tabitha and I went away for the weekend, and it was really nice. We used to go to Wicked Faire every year; it was kind of our Valentine's thing. But since last year was the final installment of that con, we kind of called an audible this year. At first (like, last year), we had planned on hitting the replacement con, Glimmerdark, but there turned out to be some confusion about the hotel reservation, and then we weren't sure about tickets, and finally we just decided nah. We had figured we'd go away anyway, at least for something, but a couple weeks ago we basically just made some random hotel reservations and decided to make a really chill weekend of it, and that's exactly what we did. I really liked it. The two of us got to get away from it all, really, and just spend a lot of quality time together, and I think it was great bonding. Good way to feel the love. I'm really happy about how things went, and I think she was, too.

This coming weekend is Dreamation, which I'm pretty stoked about, as well. Usually I can't go, because Wicked Faire was always scheduled opposite it, but this year it looks like I can at least swing by. In the lead-up to the con, I wasn't super sure I could go or if I could, how much I could go, so I didn't get a room, and figured I could just head up for a day or two days or whatever I had time for. It's actually looking at this point like I could have gone for the whole con, but I'm going to keep it reasonable anyway. It'll be an experiment to see how it works out going to a Double Exposure con without a room, and also I'm not sure I'm even down for a few days of intense gaming. I'll be happy enough to get a game or two in and maybe see a bunch of people that I don't get to see very often. Whatever happens, I think it'll end up being a good time. I'm looking forward to that, too.

In the meantime, this week I'm still kinda counting myself as "on break," but I'm taking care of miscellaneous tasks here and there. I'm generally doing fine at this point and keeping myself together. I'm counting that as a win. And that actually feels good, for once, instead of just saying the words and making the tally. I feel like I'm making progress. "Progress" is going to be a big word for me as part of all these changes. Progress for me, and hopefully progress for the world. I want to take part in something bigger and better for people. That's what I'm looking for now. Or will be in a little while, anyway. Looking to my own house first before I start taking on the big, bad world.

Anyway, that's what's going on around these parts. I guess I had pictured this being a longer entry, but it's funny how such big things can be reduced to so few actual words. Just to put this on record, I had been picturing maybe three months or so of downtime. I'd probably be okay going out to six, but I don't intend to let things go that long. My biggest thing for self-monitoring is that I don't want this to turn into one of those things where I don't do anything except watch TV all day and then wonder where all my time goes. I know that's my tendency, so I'm going to try and keep at least a little productive, as I can. I wouldn't say I'm exactly optimistic about whatever's coming next, but I'm not feeling dread and despair, so that's at least a step in the right direction. I'm not gonna sweat not having solid plans, at least not yet. This is a familiar pattern for me. I'm just gonna take this chance to take a break while I can.

Gonna try and get back on daily blogging, though. At least that will help keep me a little accountable. ;)

On Breakout

Mon, Feb. 13th, 2017 18:41
flatvurm: (d12)
Actually, a bit of a P.S. to that last entry, though it's not really related. On the topic of RPG cons, there's like...a little less than four weeks until the Breakout RPG con in Toronto. I hadn't known about the con before, but a few months back at Metatopia I met the conrunners, and ever since the thing got on my radar, it has been looking amazing. I'd really like to go, and weirdly I feel like I'm in a position to do so now, at least time-wise, but I really don't think I can justify the expense, particularly without a job. I like to think this is me being responsible, instead of me caving to anxiety. But I just wanted to note it, I guess, because given the time and the money, I'd go in a heartbeat. The guest and attendance lists are just stupendous; all kinds of people that I really like or would really like to meet. The runners are the kind of people I like and into the kind of gaming that I like, and I also think it would be fun to finally hang with some Canadian gamers on their turf for once. :) It's a tough call. I really want to go, but I think skipping this one is probably the right decision for me at this particular time in my life. If I could engineer my next situation exactly to my specs, it would mean sufficient extra money and time for gaming cons, but that's basically just "win the lottery" plans, so I don't tend to spend too much time thinking about it. Still. Would be so great to just head up to Toronto for a weekend of awesome gaming and gaming peeps.

Anyway. Just thought that bore mentioning. If I get super risky in the next few weeks then maybe I'll end up going for it, but for now, it's just a nice thing to think about, and I'm glad it's happening.

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Rob Abrazado

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