Ups and downs

Thu, Mar. 16th, 2017 23:32
flatvurm: (robot)
[personal profile] flatvurm
Yeah, I'm definitely going to need a computer userpic or something. :) Nothing today but online catchup, really. In my defense, at least that was according to plan. Been doing so much other stuff lately that I've been kinda falling behind. Feels good to spend some time catching up. Also a very emotional day for some reason. Well...it's not random, I don't think. Had some pretty emotional talks with Tb lately. Nothing bad...just heavy. But I think that primes me for having overly emotional reactions. Heard about some numbskullery at Gb's school and I raged out a little. Blew my stack. In happier news, though, I got really kind of sentimental and sappy reading, of all things, some of Kat's GMing notes from Campaign. I mean what the hell, man.

I think about this sometimes, I guess. Things are very different with me these days. There are two very big differences in my life that have me dealing with my emotional side a lot more than...well, ever before. One is being in a committed, long-term, intimate relationship. The other is being in therapy (which, I guess, meets those qualifications, too, in a way). Both of those have been the case for several years now (relationship longer, for those keeping score), and both mean exploring and dealing with the dusty, disused corner of my brain. I guess to be honest about it there are times that I miss being more of a robot. Things were easier. Dealing with the world was easier. But exploring my humanity has its perks, certainly. It's never a bad thing to understand oneself better, certainly, and connecting to my emotions more helps me understand other people. At least I think it does. Or it takes me further in that direction, anyway. Never been a strong suit of mine. But anyway...being a more emotional being means...well...being a more emotional being. It means more experiencing things and processing than the old ways of suppressing. But it also means, at least for me currently, a lot more...I dunno. Things happening? Like I don't think my capacity is very high. Or rather...low throughput. Yeah...low throughput, no buffer. So I end up with, like...overflow? I'll have to work on the analogy. But whatever the model, the process by which I try and "tolerate" to deal with anxiety (and I guess depression) means I've broken some kind of cap...or like there's a valve that I can't close all the way. Sometimes the feelings just...keep pouring in. I don't try to shut it off anymore. I just try and experience it and deal. A lot of DBT is about awareness, tolerance, and acceptance. (Heh, as an aside... I meant that in an emotional sense, but those are also pretty decent goals in a social sense, too.) I suppose regulation is supposed to be part of that, too, but that's probably the hardest part for me. I'm told a lot that I tend to have an "all-or-nothing" attitude about things that gets in my way. If I extrapolate, looking through an "all-or-nothing" lens, then "regulate" just means "suppress." And since suppression is a practice I'm trying to get out of, things are going the other way for the time being.

Meh. Didn't mean to go on a whole therapy jag there. Was just an emotional day. Things are overall good, I think. It's a process. Just remembered that I skipped this week, too, because of the weather. It'll be good to get back in there next week.

What else... Oh! Made my first phone call today to Donovan's office to register against the AHCA. That was nice and fulfilling in its way. Fucking drop in the ocean, but part of what else I'm supposed to be doing with my time is figuring out how to get some good done in this world. Oh, and speaking of that...I saw a pretty good article today that gave me a lot to chew on. It touches on a lot of things I've been thinking about a lot over the past few weeks. Mechanization and automation of labor, dissociation from production, relationship with time. Well...relationship with clocks, I guess I should say, to be more to the point. I guess that last one always tends to recur around Daylight Saving Time changes (last weekend we sprung forward). Anyway. Good stuff. Need to find a new path.

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Rob Abrazado

April 2017

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